Humpday Haiku #13

Love in the age of quarantine, Pt.II

You know you’re soulmates
because he uttered the words,
“I Swiffered the floor.”

Humpday Haiku #12

Love in the age of quarantine

Loud and passionate
arguments over the risks
of taking a stroll.

Quarantining: An Introvert’s Olympics

A Letter from Soné | April 2020

I have spent every second of the past twenty-something years trying to get out of plans. As my parents tell it, I “cried too much” as a baby – a conclusion that feels highly unfair, seeing that I didn’t want people looking at me. I just wanted to sleep.

I’m proud to say this quality has held up over the years. I’ve memorized the size any handbag needs to be to carry a paperback book, a list of excuses to dodge happy hour (“Sorry, doing my fifth load of laundry this week!”), and a list of powerful introverted women I can cite in case of the occasional side eye.

All that to say, when New York City entered lockdown mode in light of our latest supervillain (see: COVID-19), I realized: I’ve been training for this my whole life. I’ve arrived at the only Olympics I’ll ever be qualified to compete in and am going for gold.

Here’s how I get it done:

Rise and Shine!

What time do you wake up in the morning? 6AM? 9AM? It doesn’t matter – you don’t have anywhere to be. I suggest looking outside your window. See those houses, the (fewer) cars on the street, the people walking their dog?

You don’t have to talk to any of them today.

Revel in this as you shower. Allow yourself to sing the full rendition of The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” as someone bangs on the door to hurry up. What’s your family going to do, leave? Oh right, they can’t. You may as well be happy.

As you get dressed, reconsider your power outfit. What’s your current go-to: A classic white button-down? A structured plaid blazer? Step back and ponder the merits of those fleece-lined sweatpants that never held you back in any way.

When New York City entered lockdown mode in light of our latest supervillain, I realized: I’ve been training for this my whole life. I’ve arrived at the only Olympics I’ll ever be qualified to compete in.

Slew of Early Morning Conference Calls

No more gulping down your morning coffee as you sprint between meeting rooms! Take a few sips as someone says, “Can you guys hear me?” for the fourth time and reflect on the peace that comes with not worrying about a spill.

Also, no need to silently encourage yourself to Speak Up. The beauty of conference calls is that we’re all riding the same airwave.

Speak at any volume you want. You will be heard.


Does your normal lunchtime routine consist of picking up a bowl from a fast-food joint and shoveling protein into your mouth? Let’s put that aside for now.

I highly suggest making a menu. Whether you title it “Quarantine Meal Menu” or “Dining Options at Chez [Your Name],” write down all the meals your cupboard currently allows you to make. Then, choose one and say it out loud.

Rather than slapping together two slices of bread, saying “I will have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of iced tea in a wine glass” means you are still dining. And therefore, you are still living.

Midday Slump

There will inevitably be a moment when you start puttering around your home like a lost meerkat looking for nuts. Get your claws on that drawer you’ve been meaning to clean out for eight months. Finding that local sandwich shop rewards card (one purchase left before a free sub!) and your friend’s baby shower invitation will have you reflecting how far you’ve come as a person.

Probably not that far.

There will inevitably be a moment when you start puttering around your home like a lost meerkat looking for nuts.

Midday Slump #2

Text all your friends (including the one who now has a 2-year-old baby) and invite them to FaceTime. Do this as often as possible, while you can spend quality time with them from the comfort of your couch. This ensures that when we’re past this mess, you will 1) Come out of it a social winner; 2) Be exempt from real plans because you’ve hung out with them plenty.

And that, after all, is the real prize.

Happy Hour

Celebrate your new lifestyle with a puzzle.

Evening Into Night

Personally, I’m a huge fan of putting on some lipstick, a French music playlist on Spotify, and revisiting my “Dining Options at Chez Soné.” No subway delays or windy weather to worry about when you’re going out to dinner…to your kitchen. And because the commute back to your bed is quick, you have time for an extra episode of Netflix’s “Love Is Blind.”

As you wind down, look out the window once again. The world is still here. You still have a roof over your head and a bed to rest your head on. So, think about what song you’ll sing in the shower as you prepare to stay in all over again.

And so it goes.

Until next time,


Humpday Haiku #11

Treasures found while deep-cleaning

An unused coupon
from Victoria’s Secret:
One Free Lace Panty.

Humpday Haiku #10

Life, generally.

Consistent proof that
you had it all figured out
at the age of 5.

Pandora’s Jars


Friendly PSA: Valentine’s Day is 4 days away. Have you bought your lover a heart-shaped box of mediocre chocolate yet? How about red boxers, or a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant she’ll only wear when you’re around? If you feel like none of these capture the way you feel about your dearest, we’ve got you covered.

At Pandora Jewelry, we’re introducing a brand new (sustainable!) gift option: Pandora’s JarsTM.

Here’s the thing: everyone loves a good set of jars. They’re sturdy, look great on countertops, and make you appear to care about Mother Earth. Our jars do all that and more: they let your boo thang express herself.

All she has to do is open the jar and breathe in.

Does the Juliet of your life enjoy walking outside after a rainy day? Gift her our Rain Jar, which preserves the smell of rain. Is your Romeo unsure of his life’s purpose? Our Ennui Jar will bring back restless memories when he inevitably goes back to grad school. Each of our Signature Scented jars gives your special flame a sense of self they’ll hold onto forever:

  • “Secret”: the victory of wearing an outfit two days in a row without anyone noticing
  • “Champ”: the feeling of winning an argument for the lover who rarely wins one
  • “Rocky Skies:” for the avid traveler, the memory of not spilling a drink during a turbulent flight
  • “Liberation”: the excitement of being single again for the beau you’re about to dump

…and more! Our Signature Scents last forever (as long as you remember to screw the lid shut).

Unlike the storage woes of our namesake Greek goddess, Pandora’s Jars hold no evils – just simplified joy. They come in two sizes: Tiny (for the valentine who carries her jars with her in a tote) and Oversize (because this is America). They are fully recyclable, like all jars.

For the woman who needs more than a charm bracelet to express herself, go a little further with your love.

Get your set of Pandora’s Jars today!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

Humpday Haiku #9

Considering the upside to having kids

Long after I’m dead
and my journals are burned, my
genes will still be here.