Humpday Haiku #19

Love Languages: Thanksgiving Edition

Don’t eat together,
don’t journey, don’t bake for hours,
and don’t you dare hug.

Humpday Haiku #18

Pg. 2020, “This Might as Well Happen” (Nonfiction)

Along with truth, science,
and weight goals, my favorite
tee has disappeared.

Smart e-Pants

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Smart e-Pants are designed to be worn around the house but are sleek enough for socially distanced gatherings where you’ll probably end up hugging everyone.

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Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

Humpday Haiku #17

A salve for bad days

Things could still be worse.
You could have an entire
nation despise you.

Girlfriend

September 14, 2020 | New York, NY

It started when she read The Secret.

“Tell the universe what you want, and you’ll get it,” the book whispered, “It’s as easy as ordering from a catalogue.”

She’d never thought of life that way. Up until now, most of life had felt like throwing homemade slime at the wall to see what stuck. She’d gotten used to this process, color-coded its many variations in her mind, made peace with it.

But the book said things could be different. And so, the question came: What did she want?

She thought about it all day and that night over a cup of tea and the next morning while brushing her teeth, and it came to her: she wanted to be married. Getting married, it seemed, was the quickest way to getting happy. It came with all the Things: something to talk about with her married friends other than their synced-up menstrual cycles, a chance to be in the spotlight, and of course, new outfits.

Plus, she already had a boyfriend. How hard could it be?

“See the things you want as already Yours,”said The Secret. So she poured a glass of wine and summed up the courage to “accidentally” share her Pinterest page of engagement rings with Boyfriend.

“See the things you want as already Yours,”said The Secret. She poured a glass of wine and summed up the courage to “accidentally” share her Pinterest page of engagement rings with Boyfriend. For good measure, she browsed those links on his computer so the cookies would follow him with targeted ads all around the Internet.

Suddenly, every aspect of life had purpose. Walls were no longer barriers, but a space to put up pictures of potential wedding destinations. Words held new meaning. “Want to order Chinese for dinner?” Boyfriend asked one night. “Yes,” she said, “I do.”

A few weeks later, she threw out her clothes and began wearing white dresses every day. “What happened to your other clothes?” Boyfriend asked. “This is all I look good in,” she said.

She was manifesting her reality.

A few weeks later, she threw out her clothes and began wearing white dresses every day. She was manifesting her reality.

Life went on that way until one evening, she caught Boyfriend staring at her.

“I don’t know what it is, but lately I’ve been feeling like we’re meant to spend our lives together,” he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. (The one featured three times on her “Dream Ringz” Pinterest board)

“I can’t believe this,” she said, “This is coming out of nowhere.”

Boyfriend got down on one knee.  

“What do you think?” he asked.

The word came up to her throat. Yes!

But she had just started reading The Art of War. “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night,” the book whispered.

“Let me get back to you,” she told him.

She was wise that way.

Humpday Haiku #16

The most radical act

Look in the mirror
and say, “I can’t handle how
beautiful I am.”

Casting Call: Eternal Optimist

September 7, 2020 | New York, NY

Are you a glass half-empty or glass half-full kind of person? Or, are you just thrilled to have a glass? If you’re the latter, we’re looking for you.

Here at CNN, it’s come to our attention that many of our viewers see us as the harbinger of doom. We don’t feel great about this. But doomful times lead to doomful news, so we’re sprinkling some joy into our broadcasts.

That’s where you come in.

Were you voted “Most Likely to Make People Feel Like Their Best Selves” in your high school yearbook? Have you been told you radiate sunshine wherever you go? Do you have a cursive tattoo on your pinky that says, “Things will get better”? (Do you read that tattoo aloud to your friends?)

Were you voted “Most Likely to Make People Feel Like Their Best Selves” in your high school yearbook? Have you been told you radiate sunshine wherever you go? Do you have a cursive tattoo on your pinky that says, “Things will get better”?

Join us at CNN. As we cover a nation grappling with a virus it doesn’t fully believe in, an escalating fight for racial justice, and a political battle between two old men for America’s leaky gut, sit next to us. As correspondents like Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, and Chris Cuomo wrap up their segments, you’ll get to remind viewers that everything’s going to be okay. From now until Election Day, we’re offering you five minutes of daily fame on live TV – in hopes you’ll also help our ratings go up.

Share that Instagram video of a baby cuddling with a Golden Doodle. Tell us how life is about the simple things, like the smell of freshly baked muffins. Read your gratitude journal aloud. Quote Oprah. Even better, quote Oprah quoting Maya Angelou.

No, you don’t need prior journalism experience. We’re looking for someone who really, truly believes in world peace and, of course, has good posture. Bonus points if you have a voice that can lull viewers to sleep, away from today’s harsher realities.

Come be the new face of CNN!

People are going to love you, because they need you – almost as much as we do.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes only posts casting notices it deems relevant to its readers.