Humpday Haiku #23

You’re telling me once all this is over…

I just put on a
bra, walk into a bar, and
eat communal nuts?

The Longest Running Show

December 31, 2020 | The Milky Way

Dear Writers of Earth, Season 2020,

Phew! We made it. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for what has been, our viewers say, the most titillating season of Earth.

We saw a ratings bonanza this year, with viewership topping previously popular seasons like 2008, 1912, and even 1776! We promised the universe this season would be on fire and we started by setting our little world on it.

I’m proud of you bros.

“Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for what has been, our viewers say, the most titillating season of Earth.”

The best kind of story takes us on a journey to places we never imagined. It brings us far from where we started and closer than ever to who we are. It makes us question our faith.

And, let me tell you, I questioned mine. I questioned my love for the biz that January morning when Dave suggested the Megxit plotline and everyone said, “Oooh yes, we love the royals.” I questioned my leadership abilities when I roared, “Do better! We’re a celestial body for crying out loud.” I questioned my tendency to underestimate you all when you pitched an out-of-control pandemic.

So simple. So cruelly beautiful. And right on time – our last plague ended exactly 100 years ago. What better way to upend Earth, leaving its future hanging in the balance?

But you didn’t stop there. You collaborated with each other to bring your worst instincts to life. Instead of choosing between Jackson’s murder hornets and Cal’s global recession, you wrote in both. The movement for racial justice was penciled in for future seasons but Chad said, “Let’s push the humans to their limits.” Then Harry jumped in and said, “Let’s also take away their heroes, for good measure.”

And we had a lot of fun with our dictators, didn’t we? From faking their cognitive skills and their abilities to accomplish, well, anything, to faking their deaths – it’s been quite a ride.

Last, but not least, Taco Bell cancelling the Quesarito was a fun twist. Kudos, Ben!

“A nonsensical human television show called Seinfeld once deemed itself ‘the longest running show’ after nine seasons on air. Earth is about to embark on its 2021st season.”

In times of darkness, what keeps me going is this: A nonsensical human television show called Seinfeld once deemed itself ‘the longest running show’ after nine seasons on air. It was a show about nothing.

Earth is about to embark on its 2021st season and we are a show about everything: comradery, petty grievances, twisted priorities, disillusionment, and the search for a good joke.

Who knows what 2021 will bring? Word around the galaxy is we’ll probably have to hire some female writers. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we gave 2020 everything we could. We may not have the style of Saturn or the heft of Jupiter, but damnit, we know narrative.

Cheers,

Mark
Galactic Correspondent // Showrunner of Earth  

Humpday Haiku #22

It’s not like Earth pushes herself every year

“Here’s to another
orbit with no change in my
speed or appearance.”

Humpday Haiku #21

“The darkest days are ahead of us”

Yes, but my eyes have
adapted and now I live
like this every day.

The State of the Santas

December 21, 2020 | New York, NY

We see him when we’re sleeping. We search when we’re awake. We know if we’ve been bad or good or just rude, for goodness’ sake…or something like that.

For the one global figure whose job description goes something like “Bring joy to all people,” Santa Clauses around the world are under a lot of pressure this year.

Here’s how they’re handling it:

Fairytale Santa Claus, aka the man you put out milk and cookies for every Christmas Eve in exchange for materialistic delights, is undergoing an existential crisis. As reported by someone from his inner circle, the OG Santa has been saying things like, “Who is Santa really? I’m a concept. I am simply a magical concept.”

Over the phone, Mrs. Claus divulged a recent argument in which her husband hurled spiteful insults at her. Upon discussing the “Hoe, hoe, hoe” incident at a later therapy session, he admitted, “They took away my ability to travel, to gather all my elves in our workshop to make toys, even my ability to deliver toys! They have same-day shipping on Amazon now. On top of that, my daily glass of milk has been replaced by a turmeric latte.”

“Well, the turmeric helps your inflammation,” Mrs. Claus said. (Santa is 1,750 years old and deemed high-risk amidst the ongoing pandemic.)

“I guess they didn’t take everything from me this year,” Santa said, “I have you.”

And so, all is as well as can be in the North Pole.  

The OG Santa is undergoing an existential crisis and saying things like, “Who is Santa really? I’m a concept. I am simply a magical concept.”

Mall Santa Claus was last seen participating in Zoom calls with fellow Mall Santas across the country. Topics include finding aesthetically pleasing igloos from which to greet children at a distance and debating which cream blush best accentuates their rosy cheeks behind plexiglass screens.

“It’s beautiful, just beautiful,” gushed one Philadelphia Mall Santa, “There’s nothing I love more than seeing all these Santas on my computer. I love these jolly men.”

Office Party Santa Claus has not been seen since late 2019. People don’t miss him.

Holiday Movie Santa Claus is working extra hard this season. From heavily circulating cable reruns & streaming services to winking exaggeratedly when romantic leads unwittingly find their way to each other, Holiday Movie Santa is doing his best to make sure viewers have enough of their favorite gift-giver.

“You know, the real Santa Claus shows up once a year. But I show up again and again with the same line in the same outfit for a new laugh. I’m the one people can count on,” he wrote in an email, “I think they finally realize that.”

From heavily circulating cable reruns & streaming services to winking exaggeratedly when romantic leads find their way to each other, Holiday Movie Santa is doing his best to make sure viewers have enough of their favorite gift-giver.

Coca-Cola Santa is patiently waiting for 2021. “I believe next year will be a turning point for America, one in which we start believing in wholesome, kind old men again,” he said in a statement via his ad agency’s creative director.

In unrelated news, he’s been mixing his soft drinks with quite a bit of whiskey.

And so, we have it: this year’s State of the Santas.

Merry merry!

Humpday Haiku #20

Underrated characters in holiday movies

Royals fall in love,
thanks to hardworking Christmas
trees in every scene.

Financially Compatible

December 15, 2020 | New York, NY

A man in Duane Reade astutely pointed out, “This pack of condoms is $29.99. Every time we have sex this month, it’ll cost us one dollar.”

His girlfriend smiled, satisfied.