Humpday Haiku #5

Pros of summer almost being over

No longer need to
consistently dress like I’m
about to picnic.

Humpday Haiku #4

What breakfast taught me about body image

Blueberry muffin
is self-conscious about lumps.
Everyone loves them.

She Ready

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Imagine this for a moment:

It’s Friday. You just got paid and you’ve splurged on a brand new pair of leggings. You’re at a dinner party with all your friends and your new boyfriend (who can’t quite seem to commit but he’ll get there, right? RIGHT?) is here too. But tonight’s all about catching up with the girls. God they’re really all moving on with their lives, you think as you smile and sip rosé.

You say hi to your one friend who brought her newborn. “Here, hold her!” she says. “Oh no, that’s okay,” you laugh, terrified you’ll drop her sweet, bald daughter. “Here, just for a second, so I can adjust this goddamn bra. Look, she loves you already!” she says, thrusting the baby into your arms. You stare at the baby. She blinks back at you. And suddenly, something inside you settles. This could be you. You could be a Mom. Look how good I look holding a baby, you think. You look around for your man, to no avail. I wish someone could take a picture so he could see what a hot mom I’d be.

At JCPenney Portraits, we have just what you need.

Our newest service, She Ready, provides candid-style photos to help you get on with your life. All you have to do is come to any one of our nationwide studios looking your best. We’ll provide you with a baby and photograph you against a variety of backdrops that answer one question: What kind of Hot Mom will you be?

JCPenney Portraits’ newest service, She Ready, provides candid-style photos to help you get on with your life. What kind of Hot Mom will you be?

Maybe you’d like to be seen holding a baby on a picnic blanket in the park, wearing your best sundress; maybe you’d like to be in front of a Christmas tree with the soft glow of twinkle lights; maybe you’re dressed as an astronaut, with a baby in one hand and a sign saying “Anything’s Possible!” in another.

Our finest work lies in the details, with a soft focus on the things that make you you: That ombre manicure, the perfect winged eyeliner, or perhaps, the look in your eyes as you contemplate the future: Anticipation? Hope? Terror? Whatever it is, we’ll capture it. You tell us what kind of mom you want your significant other to see you as and we’ll handle the rest.

(We’ll even make sure your photos are perfectly sized for posting on social media, whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, or your recently renewed Tinder profile.)

At JCPenney Portraits, we’re here for life’s big moments. Let the world see how good you look holding a baby. And get one step closer to your own.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product or service featured on this site.

 

Humpday Haiku #3

A modern-day reverie

Stare out the window
dreaming of being more…Oh!
My Seamless is here.

Humpday Haiku #2

The most outrageous coffee order

One hot coffee, please
Regular milk and sugar
With my name spelled right.

Muffins

August 5, 2019 | New York, NY

“How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.” – Oscar Wilde

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Gordon Ramsay never wanted to give the world another travel show it didn’t need. He didn’t want to roam around a random beach with a machete or pretend to be happy climbing trees while picking fruit off them or say things like “Onto my next adventure” while cooking on some rocks.

He wasn’t supposed to have a career defined by glorified bullying. It’s just that early on, a producer saw him lose his temper and said, “Gordon, you’ve really got that je ne sais quoi,” and Gordon Ramsay just went with it, y’know? Because when you’re young and trying to make something of yourself, sometimes you just have to Go With It and see where It takes you.

And look where It took him – straight to The Food Network. To Hell’s Kitchen and The F Word and Hotel Hell and Kitchen Nightmares. The stuff of dreams. Except, it wasn’t his dream to be the Angry Blonde (Male) Chef. He just wanted to be…himself: Actually Quite a Softie.

It wasn’t Gordon Ramsay’s dream to be the Angry Blonde (Male) Chef. He just wanted to be…himself: Actually Quite a Softie.

So the networks pitched him a new show, Gordon Ramsay: Uncharted and once again, no one asked him, “Gordon, in your heart of hearts, what do you want?”

Because if someone had asked him, he’d have told them what he wanted: Muffins.

A TV show all about muffins. Not the flat English kind, but the over-the-top American ones. “How beau-ti-fully comforting and complex they are all at once,” Gordon said somberly over a video call, “A warm, crumbly muffin with a small pat of butter, is there anything more perfect?”

Muffins, it turns out, are an unexplored landscape. Do people today know what constitutes a good muffin? How do you get the perfect round cup shape on top? What are the best muffin-jam duos? What kind of muffins do you serve your friends the morning after a raging game night, or your judgy mother-in-law who’s visiting from out of town? What are the best kinds of muffins to stuff in your backpack for when you’re hungry later? Which teas best compliment a nut muffin?

These are all questions, we as a society, haven’t answered yet. And people deserve to know.

“How beau-ti-fully comforting and complex muffins are all at once. A warm, crumbly muffin with a small pat of butter, is there anything more perfect?”

Because, as Gordon explains, muffins aren’t just a morning (or afternoon or evening) snack. They’re nuggets of unclaimed identity. Are you an apple muffin sort of gal? A traditionalist who goes for blueberry? Or do you charter your own course and only eat spud muffins?

He’d help us all figure out who we were through the simple, delightful lens of pastry. There’d be no fierce competition, no harsh critiques, just lots of…fun. We’d discover new possibilities along the way. Maybe there’d be an episode on brownie muffins for dessert, and another one on swapping boring weeknight dinners for garlic onion muffins.

It was going to be great.

People would be obsessed. They’d tune into the virtual muffin basket that was Gordon Ramsay’s Muffins and laugh and be awed by the wondrous world of muffins with him. They’d be like, ‘Man, that Gordon, I really misjudged him.”

“It would’ve been better than the time I won my sixteenth Michelin star,” he said, salting a batch of muffins with tears.

But here we are.

For now, Gordon Ramsay’s riding off into the Moroccan (or Peruvian or Hawaiian) sunset. We’ll never really know the rest.

Humpday Haiku #1

Progression of wearing a bodysuit for the 1st time

Look how smooth I am!
Endless wedgie. Cannot drink.
Back to Gap t-shirts.