Blume for Boys

January 13, 2019 | New York, NY

My fourth grade teacher, Ms. Pialto, found me troublesome.

While the rest of class learned about the formation of sedimentary rocks, I spent all day reading books under my desk. I read Judy Blume’s “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” and “Blubber” and “Fudge-a-Mania.” Preparing for new adventures – like puberty and breasts and following my imagination – felt way more important than dirt.

Ms. Pialto disagreed. “Soné, put the book away,” she’d say, with a mild eye roll.

And so I slouched further in my seat, out of sight. I soon begged my mother to let me wear my hair down, thinking, A) It’d make me prettier, and B) It’d help me hide my books. (Style always = utilization.)

But this bookish madness had a purpose. All I wanted was to spend time with Judy Blume. Judy understood me. She was always one step ahead. She had all the answers.

In the years since, neither of us, it seems, has changed. Blume celebrated her 80^th birthday last year and to wrap up 2018, she wrote a new book: “Periodically Pissed.”

But wait. This one’s for men.

____

It started with the words of Blume fan, singer-songwriter Amanda Palmer. “Women are currently scaring the bejesus out of people by doing something very non-dramatic and mundane: Telling It Like It is,” Palmer said last February.

New experiences are scary. They make us sweaty, nervous, unsure of what’s going to happen next. Everyone’s just too gosh darn exasperated with men lately. Maybe there are too many expectations, too many landmines, too many women saying, This isn’t the 60s anymore. We demand decency.

New experiences are scary. They make us sweaty, nervous, unsure of what’s going to happen next. Everyone’s just too gosh darn exasperated with men lately.

Who better than Judy Blume to gently guide the way for an entire gender?

It’s 2019 and women are taking ownership, not just over their bodies, but things like Congress too. And in a time brimming with uncertainty, Judy’s here to share some secrets into the unknown.

“My books have always been about the universal questions of adulthood and one question men always seem to have is: ‘Is she pissed or is she on her period?’” Blume said, sipping an iced tea on the porch of her Key West home, “It’s been a while since I wrote a banned book. It’s nice to live on the edge.”

My hero has done it again. She’s written another coming-of-age bible.

“Periodically Pissed” is a travel-sized guide. Chapters are short, with illustrations here and there, to help men better interact with women in the workplace, romantic relationships, and regular activities like grocery shopping. Emotions are separated by plastic tabs so that one can easily locate a Blumian explanation for them. See a woman crying? Flip to the Blue Tab. Screaming? That’s the Scarlet section. Is she no longer speaking to you? Go to Ivory.

It’s small but this paperback is chock-full of everyday scenarios that befuddle men. Judy’s voice is warm and cheerful throughout, like friendly gossip over blueberry muffins on a Saturday morning.

Oh, she marched out of that meeting when it ran 45 minutes over? Well, that’s understandable. And her voice shook when she stood up for that great idea no one liked? Mhmm. She ordered two baskets of fries at happy hour now, did she? Atrocious, but then again, all humans get hungry. And she sobbed uncontrollably at that video of a baby bonobo kissing a toddler? Okay, fine, that one’s probably her period.

Most explanations offer the same solution: “Treat her like a peer, anyway.”

“My books have always been about the universal questions of adulthood and one question men always seem to have is: ‘Is she pissed or is she on her period?’”

“This book, just like my past books, is an acknowledgement. It’s a way of saying, ‘I’m here. I understand. Life’s hard and all these women be so crazy,’” she mused.

And so, “Periodically Pissed” is for the everyman. It’s for the twenty-something with 2 female roommates, the men of Wall Street, the new CEO of that media corporation, the politicians in meetings with the Fab Four, or the respectful co-worker with a crush. It’s for highlighting and dog-earing and sharing over group texts.

It’s a secret asset detailing the world’s worst kept secret:

“Men don’t seem to have their s*** together. But a good book can help guide the way,” she said, and then paused, with a twinkle in her eye. “Then again, what do I know?”

“Periodically Pissed” is available at all stores with books. Get your copy today!

Being the Brûlée

Brb, obsessed with this one thing.

Keeping Up With Books

May 1, 2018 | Los Angeles, CA

Someone, somewhere on the Internet said one day, The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. The Internet, with all its tweeting minions, bowed solemnly to this truth. And in a Land Far Away & Far More Expensive, Kris Jenner heard this and smiled.

It’s been a crazy few days for the Kardashian family, what with one lover off on a Twitter spree, another blatantly cheating, tabloids circling the mess like hawks, and Kris Jenner – manager of America’s True First Family – doing damage control.

Otherwise known as “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

But chaos on KUWTK means something new is on the way. Something shiny, something to be monetized. Something, perhaps, like books.
___

“It all started one afternoon this past December,” Kris told me at her Hidden Hills mansion, “[My daughters] Kim and Khloe called me into the kitchen and jokingly smashed a cake into my face. I was furious. What did I do to deserve that kind of disrespect?”

Reality TV hath no fury like a woman scorned – no less, by her own offspring. And so, Kris spent the next few months in deep thought. Somewhere in this sticky humiliation was an opportunity.

“The other night, I spoke with Khloe, who just gave birth to her daughter, True. I said, ‘Khloe, honey, this is the beginning of a beautiful new chapter for you.’ And it hit me,” Kris said, “A new chapter. Books!”

She took off her Céline glasses, clipping them to her leopard print dress.

“I wonder…if I’d pushed my daughters to read more, maybe they wouldn’t have grown up to waste perfectly good cake. Maybe I can help Khloe not get cake thrown in her face. What’s motherhood if you’re not passing down life’s lessons?”

Reality TV hath no fury like a woman scorned – no less, by her own offspring. Somewhere in this sticky humiliation was an opportunity.

Kris Jenner has, after all, taken motherhood to new levels. Over the past 10 years, she’s single handedly managed the careers of all 6 children in the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Their show, now in its 12th season, has paved the way for a QVC fashion line, tooth-whitening endorsements, makeup lines, multiple spinoffs, and an episode in which she considered being made into a diamond after her death. But something was always missing.

“This could be big. I’ve been researching, digging into some classics: Lolita, Little Women, Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice,” she shuddered, “Oooh, that last one was titillating. There are entire worlds that don’t exist on television. Did you know that? Why aren’t we all reading more?”

And so, the matron of superficial beauty is on a mission to bring back books.

Except, they never went anywhere. They’ve been here all along, revered through the centuries. They win Pulitzers, appear in NYTimes Bestselling lists, get endorsed by Oprah – but nothing truly exists in culture until Kris Jenner takes an interest in it. Maybe, just maybe, books haven’t been managed correctly all these years. That’s all about to change.

“Books are fabulously understated,” Kris said, sipping a dry martini, “They don’t just go with your look, they elevate it. Just think – we could have a resurgence of literature with women at the forefront.”

6 particular women at the forefront, that is. With Kris’s business acumen, books will make their way to the Kardashian-Jenner brand – a brand with over 500 million followers who believe they’re just one lip kit, hair color, or boob job away from perfection.

The truth of the matter is that the right accessory can change a woman’s life. It allows her to express herself, it gives her a certain joie de vivre. While you can’t judge a book by its cover, you’ll probably judge a woman by the book she carries. Someone might as well make money off this fact. It might as well be Kris Jenner.

The right accessory can change a woman’s life. It allows her to express herself, it gives her a certain joie de vivre. While you can’t judge a book by its cover, you’ll probably judge a woman by the book she carries.

She knows this. Soon, fans will be taking Twitter surveys about their favorite books. Upcoming episodes of KUWTK will feature how to appropriately respond to a catcall over one’s “big books.” Designers are lined up for Books of the Week underpants. (Monday: “Eat, Pray, Love Me”; Tuesday: “This Ol’ Feminine Mystique”; and so forth). Kim Kardashian is developing an Old Book Scent (with hints of grass & vanilla) to add to her perfume line.

Later into our conversation, an assistant brought over a tray of oatmeal-raisin cookies. Kris waved it away – the tray was plastic. A few moments later, the cookies reappeared on an Hermès serving plate.

I asked Kris what success looks like for her new venture.

“I see a stylish young girl in a city somewhere. She understands that while looks matter, books matter more. She’s a trendsetter, she’s got all her friends reading. And when they achieve total global domination – which they will – they will be indebted to me,” Kris said, with a smile.

She took a bite of her cookie, looking into the distance.

“It’s all about creating opportunities. Where would my family be without me? Where would the world be without books?”

To think it all started with cake.

Sundays with Dominique

April 8, 2018 | New York, NY

One of my favorite things in life is a really great Sunday. Life throws a million things at us over the course of a week, but a great Sunday gives us the chance to breathe in and press “Reset.” We can try again. Do better. Be better.

It’s nice to know that the Romans were so optimistic for mankind, they allotted 52 days a year for us to just finish up brunch, open our planners, and course correct our lives. Sunday is the calendar gift that keeps on giving. Whether we wait for it or not, it’s always on its way – full of sunshine and possibility.

Today, Chef Dominique Ansel – creator of the globally acclaimed Cronut^® – tells us about his Sunday routine:

Sunday morning, 5 AM: My wake-up call. I’ve always been an early riser.

5:01 AM: I lie in bed and think, “Dominique, what will you accomplish this week?” Then I remember I invented the Cronut. I’m already the World’s Best Pastry Chef. Nothing will top that, so I go back to sleep.

5:07 AM: It occurs to me that I run bakeries in New York City, London, Tokyo, and Los Angeles. I’m literally responsible for making the world happy.

5:10 AM: I get out of bed to floss.

5:30 AM: Sundays are all about rituals. After making a cup of fresh fruit juice, I settle in with a romantic comedy on Netflix. I once told the New York Times that I love romantic comedies – this is true. I have a lot in common with characters in rom-coms – we chase unrealistic highs in beautiful cities. While they chase love, I chase excellence. The ending always involves cake.

8:10 AM: “When Harry Met Sally” has ended. An empty kitchen faces me. I’d like to invent a dessert that makes women say, “I’ll have what she’s having.” What will it be?

8:30 AM: I read the newspaper to get ideas. At the height of my Cronut fame, one newspaper called me the ‘Willy Wonka of NYC.’ It was flattering, but I’m no Willy Wonka. I’m just a man in a kitchen innovating dessert.

8:45 AM: I feel terribly uninspired. Fame is a dark, twisted abyss that serves to torture gifted creative minds – particularly pastry chefs.

“I have a lot in common with characters in rom-coms – we chase unrealistic highs in beautiful cities. While they chase love, I chase excellence. The ending always involves cake.”

9 AM: I start whisking eggs with flour. I firmly believe in the Miracle of Whisking (though never Miracle Whip). It’s through the simple act of whisking that I came up with my Easter creation “Peep-a-Boo’s” – little marshmallow chicks surrounded by dark chocolate in real eggshells. Instagram loved them.

10:45 AM: Chefs at my restaurants around the world conduct their daily croissant tests. Alas, I can’t be Mark Darcy and love them just as they are. Our fluffy croissants must be 100% perfect.

11:30 AM: Still no new ideas.

1:30 PM: Still nothing. I remind myself that I am Dominique Ansel, creator of the world’s most wholesome shot (check out our signature Milk & Cookie Shot). People line up outside my bakery every morning because they love me.

1:45 PM: Do they love me, or my desserts?

1:46 PM: Is there a difference? What will happen if I run out of new ideas? There’s only so much a man can do with buttercream.

3 PM: I pick up groceries from the local farmer’s market to distract myself.

4 PM: I check in with my staff at our SoHo location and say hello to happy customers. Some are with friends, some are out-of-towners, and some are in sweatpants. One man tells me his plan to propose to his girlfriend here.

6:30 PM: Poignant subway ride home.

8 PM: I am back in my kitchen. Sundays, it seems, are about love. Suddenly, everything’s crystal clear. My one true love is the Cronut. That’s why I create a new flavor every month. Though I keep trying to outdo it, I’ll never get away from it. It enchants me (and my customers) to no end. Maybe I’m the lead in my own rom-com: “Dessert, Actually.”

9:30 PM: I watch “Notting Hill.” I’m just a man standing in front of the world, asking it to love his Cronuts.

12 AM: Lights out. Maybe next Sunday, I won’t be so hard on myself.

Canned Delights: A Testimonial

SPONSORED CONTENT

Life is dizzying when you’re a powerful female politician in today’s USA. The road to (still) trying to break the glass ceiling includes ducking malicious gossip, routinely justifying my qualifications, writing scornful letters to lesser male politicians, protecting the nation’s kids from assault weapons, and reclaiming my time over and over again.

People always ask me, “How do you do it all?”

I don’t do it all. I do one thing.

I maintain my monthly subscription to Canned Delights^™.

On the 1^st of every month, I receive a package of Lady Cans in the mail. It comes with a little note reminding me that after I make love, it’s time to Make A Plan. (A nice antidote to the other monthly visitor I receive.)

My current set of Lady Cans includes: A needle & thread to fix blouses ripped in passionate moments, a Lisa Simpson doll (to remember why I got into politics), an inspirational book hand-picked from Oprah’s Book Club, a notepad, and a prepaid Seamless card. I’ve learned that carbs are what truly fuel us women to run the world.

Since I started my subscription, Canned Delights have revolutionized my bedroom life. They’ve turned my recent avoidance of men into a sense of excitement. Every lay is permeated with new possibilities.

“You look like you’re on top of the world!” one lover recently said, post-romp.

That’s because I know what’s waiting for me under my bed. Politics are tiresome, but my Canned Delights keep me going.

Order now!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

The Double Text

March 4, 2018 | New York, NY

Over 40 years ago, NASA launched the twin Voyager spacecraft into outer space with a special time capsule onboard: the Golden Record, a gold-plated copper record filled with images, sounds, and music detailing life on Earth. “Hey look at us!” we said to extraterrestrials, “We exist! Look how pretty we are!”

Should advanced extraterrestrials intercept the Golden Record, they’ll be treated to 115 images depicting global diversity, a musical selection comprising Bach, Azerbaijani folk music, & Chuck Berry, a variety of sounds heard in nature, and spoken greetings from Earthlings in 55 languages.

There’s something to be said about our ability to hurl an intergalactic Frisbee into deep space before perfecting more basic things (e.g. equal pay), but c’est la vie on Earth.

Both Voyagers are now hurtling billions of miles from Earth and any minute now, we could receive a message back from outer space. Except, we haven’t. The silence is getting louder, and it seems as though we’re all eternal teenagers checking our phones waiting for the hot stranger to text us back.

Enter Drake.

No one understands human angst quite like Drake. Aubrey Graham, aka “Heartbreak Drake”, has an unofficial PhD in communications. Hear him out. Literally, buy his albums.

Over a phone call today to discuss his latest hit, “God’s Plan,” the rapper/actor told me a plan of his own – NASA is commissioning him to spearhead a follow-up to the Golden Record (even though we haven’t heard back from our first attempt).

A double text, if you will.

There’s something to be said about our ability to hurl an intergalactic Frisbee into deep space before perfecting more basic things (e.g. equal pay), but c’est la vie on Earth.

“People don’t know this about me but in my free time, I’m really into space,” Drake said, “Why haven’t we followed up? It’s been over 40 years. That’s a nice even number. We gotta reach out again. Communication’s all about seizing the moment. It’s like I say in my song “One Dance,” ‘Soon as you see my text, reply me.’”

Well.

The creative supervisor of the original Golden Record was also a Drake – American astronomer Frank Drake. Not a coincidence, it turns out. “I knew there was a higher reason my middle name was Drake,” the musician said. This is all part of a plan, Drake’s bigger plan to take Earth to the next level.

So what would a follow-up message to extraterrestrials look like?

“A Golden iPhone,” Drake said, “See, the true Golden iPhone hasn’t been made yet. This one will have a higher calling.”

The scoped Golden iPhone would have everything:

Videos of President Obama’s greatest speeches (“To show extraterrestrials our greatness”)
Videos of SNL’s rendition of President Trump (“To show our silliness”)
Videos of Women’s Marches across the world (“To show our heart”)
Images of food (“Hey, food today looks incredible. Especially at The Cheesecake Factory”)
Today’s most popular music – Adele’s “Hello”, the Hamilton soundtrack, some Cardi B

But the best part of the Golden iPhone? Audio of Drake saying things.

“A couple years back, Ellen [DeGeneres], a great friend of mine, did this segment where I just said things. I read the side effects of Zoloft, talked about toner cartridge…I just make everything sound better. I have a real sultry voice. No alien’s going to turn that down.”

There you go. Of course, there are details to tend to. Like, what would Earth’s phone number be if extraterrestrials intercepted the iPhone and tried to call us? And what about battery power? But these are little things and Drake’s a big picture kind of guy.

“Communication’s all about seizing the moment. It’s like I say in my song “One Dance,” ‘Soon as you see my text, reply me.’”

“We’re being vulnerable and honest about ourselves with the universe, so it’s important to make ourselves irresistible, too. And you know what’s irresistible? Positivity. We’re just spreading joy here, we’re spreading love. That’s all it is,” Drake said.

Right now, though, Drake’s searching for a committee. The original Golden Record was created by a committee of astrophysicists, sound engineers, writers, and musicians. Creating the Golden iPhone is no small task. He recently reached out to Elon Musk to bring him onto the team, but word on the street is he’s feeling a little salty – space is his territory.

“That’s okay, I don’t let salt bring me down,” Drake said, “You get to the top by being kind. Look at me, I’m so high up, I’m heading to outer space. Started from the bottom, now I’m here.”

Hair Is Us

February 18, 2018 | New York, NY

I got a haircut the other day. It looks fantastic. The stylist gave me a blowout and when I walked out of the salon, people got whiplash from checking out my hair. Construction workers called out, “Ay sexy!” and I nodded in agreement. The best part is, when I woke up the next morning, I still had Great Hair.

Suddenly, my life was filled with possibility.

With Great Hair, I could become the woman of my dreams. I shook my head in slow motion and felt my smooth, silky hair bounce along my shoulders. I wore my best outfit and filled every minute of my day with plans because when the universe gives us a moment of confidence, we must Milk. It. For. All. It’s. Worth.

I tell you all this because for a moment in time, I shared something in common with a celebrity. Today, Milo Ventimiglia and I sat down to talk about his lauded patriarchal role on the Emmy-nominated “This Is Us.” Here are unedited excerpts from our conversation.

30 million people across the U.S. tuned in to watch the Super Bowl episode that featured your character, Jack Pearson, dying from a fire. How does that feel?

Milo Ventimiglia: Well, I gotta say, it’s humbling.

You’ve played key characters in 3 major TV series: “Gilmore Girls” back in the day, “Heroes,” and now “This Is Us.” What inspired you to start acting?

Milo: Actually, I got the courage to act from having a really great hair day.

Shut up.

Milo: (Laughs handsomely) It’s true, I did. I still remember. I was 18 and I’d worked the perfect amount of mousse through my hair. All day, people turned their heads as I walked by and I thought, “I could live like this.” I felt like I could do anything! So I enrolled in acting school.

Then what happened?

Milo: Well, I let my hair guide me. My first big break was playing Jess on “Gilmore Girls.” I remember flipping my hair in the audition and some women fainted. The producers said I had ‘bad boy hair.’ It had that volume. Then I played Peter Petrelli on “Heroes.” I went from playing a surly teenager to being on a show about superheroes – all because I cut my hair short. Life really started happening to me when my hair took on these different personalities.

That was you being a talented actor.

Milo: Sure, sure.

How did you come across your role on “This Is Us”?

Milo: Let me tell you a story. 22 years after I started acting, I decided to sit back for a second, let life happen. I grew my hair out. Right at that time, I got the call to audition for “This Is Us.” I walked in with my beard and my long hair, and they said, “You look like the dad we’ve been waiting for.” Is that a coincidence? I think not.

It sounds like a coincidence.

Milo: No, no. That’s the universe at work.

“I walked into my ‘This Is Us’ audition with my beard and long hair, and they said, ‘You look like the dad we’ve been waiting for.'”

Do you have a special hair care routine?

Milo: I’m a simple guy. Just shampoo and water. Actually…

Yes, Milo?

Milo: I’ll tell you the truth. My hair – (he pauses dramatically) – is my life’s big gift. And I treat it that way. I look at all my man friends who’re losing their hair and it’s terrifying. “Hey man, this is us,” they say. So I treat my hair well. I take it out for shampoos on stressful days and give it massages. Even though every good thing in the world eventually goes away, my hair cannot be one of those things.

Have you looked in the mirror recently? You really don’t need to worry.

Milo: Mirrors, schmirrors. This (he points to his head) takes more than soap and water. It takes patience. It takes nurturing and encouragement. Each morning, I look in the mirror and say, “Hair, you’ve got this.” Each night before sleeping, I say, “Thank you, sweet locks.” Before every audition and every shoot, I run my hand through my hair, letting it know I’m right there beside it. It takes constant love and attention.

Can I just say – I bet you’re an excellent boyfriend.

Milo: Actually, dating’s hard when you’re always Milo With the Good Hair. See, I really do wake up like this. I’ve been told it takes a toll on women. But what can I say? My whole life, I’ve been holding onto the feeling of that first great hair day.

Well, I’m with you on that one.

Milo: With sexy hair comes sexy responsibility. I’m okay with being America’s Dad.

____

I’m sorry to say I’ve been waking up early these days trying to replicate my salon’s blowout, to no avail. Now I have regular hair, which makes me sad.

But it’s just hair, right? They’re dead hair cells, for god’s sake. 7,200 seconds a day seems like a lot of time spent on fixing the part of ourselves that’s just trying to rest in peace.

(Don’t tell Milo.)

The Neurosis Suitcase

February 11, 2018 | New York, NY

When my stylish, doting mother taught me how to get dressed to go out, I wish, after hiding my teenage acne with foundation, she’d taught me how to hide my neuroses. A much handier skill for getting anywhere, it seems, in life. While flawless skin made me feel like I could effortlessly slide onto a Seventeen magazine cover, it didn’t keep me from hiding at parties wishing I was a little bit cooler.

Coolness, over the years, has become a hot commodity.

Today, Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg – America’s top lifestyle gurus – have an announcement. The BFFs and hosts of VH1’s “Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party” have embarked on a new collaboration: The Neurosis Suitcase^TM.

In a statement released online, the duo said: “The Neurosis Suitcase helps women carry their emotional baggage.”

Martha and Snoop divulged more details this morning over a brief FaceTime conversation.

“Making daily life easy keeps getting harder,” Martha said, “But we’re up to the challenge. After all, I taught the whole country how to make canapés and Snoop taught everyone how to Drop It Like It’s Hot.”

“We’re psyched to help women look more put together,” Snoop said, visibly psyched.

As it turns out, women have excessive emotional baggage. We distrust authority, fret about our appearance, and are often pitted against other women. We judge and get judged for skipping the gym or missing an eyebrow wax. We read women’s magazines searching for neatly bulleted ways to improve ourselves. We are survivors of sexual assault and exes who were serial cheaters. Sometimes, we really hate men. Other times, we measure our lives by good hair days.

When my stylish, doting mother taught me how to get dressed to go out, I wish, after hiding my teenage acne with foundation, she’d taught me how to hide my neuroses. A much handier skill for getting anywhere, it seems, in life.

“It’s crazy that we’ve been carrying these things around for so long and no one’s come up with a way to help us ease the load,” said Martha, “This is my fun little way to empower women. Bags say so much about who we are. But they can also say so much about who we’re not. Stylishly, of course. We’re not animals.”

The duo has designed the Neurosis Suitcase in collaboration with Rimowa^®. Each Neurosis Suitcase features two key components: a notebook and a Book of Notes. While the notebook is for writing down your neuroses (and thus releasing them from your soul), the pocket-sized Book of Notes contains affirmations, such as “I am a phoenix who has risen from the ashes,” “I am a Good Human,” and “My brows are perfect, as am I.”

Suitcases also include ample Kleenex tissues, a spare set of pantyhose (“Ripped stockings should never bring a lady down,” said Martha), a football jersey for when you really must be the ‘Cool Chick,’ and a blunt (“Every lady who wants to keep it together needs a little bit of weed,” said Snoop). For days when your baggage gets too heavy to carry, there is a small set of detachable wheels.

“Each Neurosis Suitcase is a classic Rimowa bag, with a hard aluminum exterior. But we’ve topped them with little pink bows. Prettiness is a must!” Martha said, as Snoop nodded in agreement.

The essence of the Neurosis Suitcase is that it goes with everything, and so, you can take it everywhere. The next time you find yourself at a fashionable event – say, a benefit gala or a date with NYC’s most eligible bachelor – you can simply say, “I’m here. I’m my Best Self. Everything else is in this bag, which I’ll be checking with my coat, please.”

“The Neurosis Suitcase is for all those women who are go-getters, who need a fashionable way to cage their inner demons so they can keep blazing forward.”

“You know, our fears never really leave us but it’s nice to neatly tuck them away,” Martha said, “This bag is for all those women who are go-getters, who need a fashionable way to cage their inner demons so they can keep blazing forward.”

“You said ‘blazing,’” Snoop teased Martha, “I taught you that word.”

“Yes, you did,” Martha smiled.

The Neurosis Suitcase is expected to hit high-end department stores this spring. Each bag will retail at about $1,500. While an early waitlist is lined with names of Hollywood actresses, there are installment payment options for regular women. Saving yourself, of course, takes some saving up.

“Women can now announce to the world, ‘Here’s the Real Me, front and center!’ It’s never too late to make our lives more elegant. 2018’s just getting started,” Martha said, at the end of our call.

Later today, a Neurosis Suitcase prototype was delivered to my doorstep – the big moment my teenage self had been waiting for. I put all my journals from the past few decades into it, waiting to feel liberated…But now, the bag won’t close.

I need a suitcase to hold my Neurosis Suitcase.

Also, my hair still looks terrible.

Into the Fry

January 21, 2018 | New York, NY

You know, all I can do as a reporter is point out silly things in the world and say, “Hey look at that. Isn’t that nuts?”

Sukie Simmons, founder of Green Table, America’s healthiest fast-casual chain, does not suffer nuts. Today, she’s holding a press conference at Green Table’s Manhattan HQ. Because she has a peanut allergy, all press underwent an intense security check to make sure no one had any nuts, lest we accidentally kill her in this high-profile career moment.

As Sukie walks out towards the podium, she waves hello to each of us as she passes. The woman walks like a Marines officer with the poise of Tyra Banks and the hair of Dolly Parton. “Good afternoon, everyone! Hi! Hi! I’m Sukie, CEO of this whole Green Table racket. Oh, what a big day for me. For all Green Table fans.”

“Ms. Simmons, tell us the big news!” reporters yell, microphones shoved outwards.

She fans herself.

“Let me tell you a story. Two months ago, I was lying in a hospital bed. Doc called it a heart attack but I have another word for it: Spanx. Anyway, I’m just lying in bed reading Sheryl Sandberg’s bestseller, Lean In. Oh, that Sheryl. She taught me about jungle gyms, fakin’ it til you make it, and being honest. Meanwhile my heart’s starting to pump normal again and I think, ‘Sukie, what do you truly want right now?’ And the answer came, in a moment of perfect clarity: ‘A deep-fried Oreo.’”

“Meanwhile my heart’s starting to pump normal again and I think, ‘Sukie, what do you truly want right now?’ And the answer came, in a moment of perfect clarity: ‘A deep-fried Oreo.'”

The reporters around me laugh.

“But Ms. Simmons, you run America’s leading healthy fast-food chain!” one reporter calls out from the back.

“Exactly,” Sukie says, “I run it. But who IS Sukie, really? She’s not just a broad with perfect makeup and a mean corset under this suit. She wants more. She IS more. But she’s too busy staying one step ahead of the ‘CE-bros’ in this business.”

She chuckles to herself for a few seconds and then sighs, dramatically.

“Exhausting. Every day, I walk into a Green Table and see salads on the menu. It makes me feel good to see them. I look at the salad. I acknowledge the salad. But I don’t buy the salad. I buy our Slightly Bigger Burger. And you know what my inner happy girl wants on the side? Some deep-fried cookie dough. Now…Sheryl says, We must all raise the floor together. So I thought, ‘How many women ‘round the world want the exact same thing?”

I look around. Some women look confused, but others nod emphatically – in the way mothers nod at Sunday sermon. The men look exasperated. Sukie continues.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I now present the new and improved Green Table. No salads, no calorie counts on menus, free refills on all drinks, and a new Deep-Fried Everything section!”

And suddenly, she’s speaking in an Oprah voice as she begins pointing to members of the press.

“YOU get deep-fried cheesecake!”

“YOU get deep-fried Mars Bars!”

“YOU get deep-fried apples!”

She directs the last one at me. Yippee!

“Fritters for all!” Sukie-turned-Oprah continues, “You want it fried, you got it!”

“When have ‘good’ things ever been so great, especially for the ladies? Think of the Wonderbra. Think of WeightWatchers meals. Think of Jude Law in the early 2000s.”

There’s uproar across the press. Some of the reporters and cameramen cheer, while others buzz loudly with questions. Sukie poses with big smiles for the flashing cameras.

“Ms. Simmons, with industry trends moving towards a positive, healthier outlook, is this a smart move?”

“When have ‘good’ things ever been so great, especially for the ladies? Think of the Wonderbra. Think of WeightWatchers meals. Think of Jude Law in the early 2000s. Green Table is giving customers what they want. Like Sheryl says, social gains must be seized,” Susie waves both fists in the air.

“Ms. Simmons, won’t you lose customers?”

“Any customer who doesn’t want a deep-fried Mars Bar is one I don’t care to have. Next?”

“As a female CEO, what about your responsibility to customers’ health?”

“My customers are grown adults who love to eat. Like Sheryl says, there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women satisfy their cravings. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a tampon. There’s a war scene raging in my pants,” Sukie stalks out of the room as the cameras click away.

And they say women on their period are helpless.

Canned Delights

SPONSORED CONTENT

2018 and it’s (still) cuffing season, y’all! The temperature’s dipping, winds are howling, hot chocolate’s boiling, and there’s a naked, deeply satisfied person snuggling up next to you in bed.

Now what?

Tired but wide-awake? Can’t bear yet another conversation about Black Mirror? Struggling between craving romance and the ability to do whatever the f*@# you want? Reminiscing those fries you smelled earlier?

Never fear, Canned Delights^™ are here.

Canned Delights^™: Everything you crave post-nookie in a can. It’s cold. Don’t get out from under those covers. Just reach underneath your bed and pull out your Canned Delights^™.

Packaged in sets of threes, Canned Delights^™offer something for everyone:

Our Lady Cans include earplugs, king-size candy bars, prepaid Seamless gift cards, a book from Oprah’s Book Club, inspirational journals, condoms for Round #2, and more. Mix and match to create a set that fits your needs!

Our Man Cans are more minimalistic, with each can featuring a short note: “You just got the one thing you’ve been craving more than anything. Get some sleep, bruh.”

Select packages include Surprise Cans with peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (with the crusts cut off), a steak, or an iPad playing whatever big game is on.

Single? Don’t worry, Canned Delights^™aren’t exclusively for the sex-havers of the world. There’s something for you, too, after you watch that Netflix documentary on orca whales!

Choose from a fun variety of stickers, body pillows, and mini globes (because you really do have the whole world at your fingertips).

True romance is loving yourself. Who needs candlelight when you’ve got Canned Delights^™?

Order now!

(Also coming soon to vending machines in college dorms near you)