A New Hair-spective

Letter from the Editor | July 2019

When I was younger, the concept of survival seemed very important – what with all the teen movies about hot girls being mean to smart girls and the rampant myth of carrots causing cancer and the wars on terror and weapons that didn’t exist. So I carried around a copy of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook to be prepared. At any given point in time, I knew how to escape quicksand, cure hay fever, wrestle free from an alligator, and spot someone with hiccups.

I knew it all.

Or, I thought I did.

One summer day, I walked out of my apartment and I noticed them: droplets of moisture hanging in the air waiting to attack my sense of self. My hair grew bigger and bigger and my hard-won confidence vanished. Ah, the unseen enemy: humidity.

For years after that, nothing struck more fear in my heart than a humid day. The ominous weather forecasts (91% humidity!). The fights with hair tools larger than my arm. The mascara running down my cheeks as I dramatically sobbed in front of the bathroom mirror.

And then a new book entered my life: Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. Suddenly, right in my tote, I had a military tactician whispering hauntingly strategic prose to me. Hope reappeared as I ventured out into the battlefield – nay, subway stations – of New York City.

I’m proud to say I’ve risen from the ashes of my blow dryer and conquered humidity once and for all. I’ve compiled some winning tips here to help you do the same. You can thank me later.

  1. Wear a bag over your head.

Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting,” Master Sun Tzu wrote. When you’ve got a bag over your head, there’s no fight – humid air will just waft on over to the oblivious well-coiffed person next to you. Not only will your hair stay intact, you’ll get extra protection from the sun and appear to be a purveyor of the latest trend, Trashy Chic. Win-win-win.

  1. Hydrate beyond your wildest dreams.

“Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will.” Another gem. How much water do you drink on a daily basis? 6 cups? 8 cups? More than anything else in the world, humidity craves your dry locks.

Drinking 2 gallons of water a day will keep your hair hydrated and, as a perk, give your face that coveted fresh dewy look. Get your daily 2 gallons in and keep your hair yours.

Nothing struck more fear in my heart than a humid day. The ominous weather forecasts. The fights with hair tools larger than my arm. The mascara running down my cheeks as I dramatically sobbed in front of the bathroom mirror.

  1. Coat your hair in olive oil.

“The whole secret lies in confusing the enemy, so that he cannot fathom our real intent.” Don’t feel like peeing every 20 minutes after following the last tip? That makes sense. Next time you step out on a humid day, drench your hair in olive oil (known for creating a lustrous shine). Moisture particles will zoom towards your head and then bam – massive grease wall. Treat yourself and use the highest quality EVOO you can find.

  1. Leave town.

“The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.” I like this one because it echoes a key rule from the simple childhood game, Hide & Seek: If your enemy can’t find you, it can’t defeat you. Take a Mental Health day from work and flee the humidity for cooler climates.

  1. Give up. 

“There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.” Proof that Sun Tzu was the wisest. It’s just hair. They’re dead hair cells. 7,200 seconds a day seems like a lot of time spent on fixing the part of ourselves that’s just trying to rest in peace. We could just throw it in a bun and get some ice-cream.

This one’s my favorite.

Until next time,

Soné