September 7, 2020 | New York, NY

Are you a glass half-empty or glass half-full kind of person? Or, are you just thrilled to have a glass? If you’re the latter, we’re looking for you.

Here at CNN, it’s come to our attention that many of our viewers see us as the harbinger of doom. We don’t feel great about this. But doomful times lead to doomful news, so we’re sprinkling some joy into our broadcasts.

That’s where you come in.

Were you voted “Most Likely to Make People Feel Like Their Best Selves” in your high school yearbook? Have you been told you radiate sunshine wherever you go? Do you have a cursive tattoo on your pinky that says, “Things will get better”? (Do you read that tattoo aloud to your friends?)

Were you voted “Most Likely to Make People Feel Like Their Best Selves” in your high school yearbook? Have you been told you radiate sunshine wherever you go? Do you have a cursive tattoo on your pinky that says, “Things will get better”?

Join us at CNN. As we cover a nation grappling with a virus it doesn’t fully believe in, an escalating fight for racial justice, and a political battle between two old men for America’s leaky gut, sit next to us. As correspondents like Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, and Chris Cuomo wrap up their segments, you’ll get to remind viewers that everything’s going to be okay. From now until Election Day, we’re offering you five minutes of daily fame on live TV – in hopes you’ll also help our ratings go up.

Share that Instagram video of a baby cuddling with a Golden Doodle. Tell us how life is about the simple things, like the smell of freshly baked muffins. Read your gratitude journal aloud. Quote Oprah. Even better, quote Oprah quoting Maya Angelou.

No, you don’t need prior journalism experience. We’re looking for someone who really, truly believes in world peace and, of course, has good posture. Bonus points if you have a voice that can lull viewers to sleep, away from today’s harsher realities.

Come be the new face of CNN!

People are going to love you, because they need you – almost as much as we do.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes only posts casting notices it deems relevant to its readers.

January 27, 2020 | New York, NY

How do you, gentle dreamer, describe yourself on a typical day? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? …Ginger? Do you feel as though perhaps none of these captures the nuances of your femininity? Are you craving a pop star who lacks social graces but is also kind of endearing?

Here at Virgin Records, we’re getting the ol’ gang back together again (again) – a 2020 Spice Girls reunion tour with a brand new member: Awkward Spice.

It’s been a trying time here in the U.K. Brexit’s got us looking like a scorned woman staggering drunkenly out of a party she swore she was leaving hours ago (“you ungrateful bastards”). Our most beloved royal wants nothing to do with us and is moving to Canada. None of this makes us feel like we really really really wanna zig-a-zig…ah, bollocks. We’d just love if our most popular girl band reflected the way we feel: quite awkward.

That’s where you come in.

Do you have a keen ability to sense a party ending as soon as you walk in? Are you the person in a photo who never knows what to do with her hands?

Do you have a keen ability to sense a party ending as soon as you walk in? Are you the person in a photo who never knows what to do with her hands? Have you pretended to be deeply engrossed in an 8-month old magazine article on Best Faded Jeans For Your Butt in order to avoid small talk with your hairdresser?

We want you.

No, you won’t need to rock a union jack dress or leopard prints. We’re looking for someone who feels most like herself in a sweater and corduroy pants. (Bonus points if you didn’t make it into your college’s acapella group.) We hope you feel strongly about girl power, friendship, and body confidence. But also feel free to bring your opinions on eye contact during a handshake and holding in a sneeze to avoid disrupting a tense conversation. Of course, there’ll be a magazine cover or two. We can’t wait to see how you spice it up with an inopportune eye twitch.

Perks? You’ll be in the most glamorous girl group of all time. (Just for a few months – this is a reunion tour, after all.) Even better, you’ll have the opportunity to shape an entire generation of young women who don’t see themselves in today’s charismatic stars.

Close your eyes and think back to your most cringeworthy memories. Now, open them. An Awkward Moment has arrived.

Will you embrace it?

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes only posts casting notices it deems relevant to its readers.