Pandora’s Jars


Friendly PSA: Valentine’s Day is 4 days away. Have you bought your lover a heart-shaped box of mediocre chocolate yet? How about red boxers, or a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant she’ll only wear when you’re around? If you feel like none of these capture the way you feel about your dearest, we’ve got you covered.

At Pandora Jewelry, we’re introducing a brand new (sustainable!) gift option: Pandora’s JarsTM.

Here’s the thing: everyone loves a good set of jars. They’re sturdy, look great on countertops, and make you appear to care about Mother Earth. Our jars do all that and more: they let your boo thang express herself.

All she has to do is open the jar and breathe in.

Does the Juliet of your life enjoy walking outside after a rainy day? Gift her our Rain Jar, which preserves the smell of rain. Is your Romeo unsure of his life’s purpose? Our Ennui Jar will bring back restless memories when he inevitably goes back to grad school. Each of our Signature Scented jars gives your special flame a sense of self they’ll hold onto forever:

  • “Secret”: the victory of wearing an outfit two days in a row without anyone noticing
  • “Champ”: the feeling of winning an argument for the lover who rarely wins one
  • “Rocky Skies:” for the avid traveler, the memory of not spilling a drink during a turbulent flight
  • “Liberation”: the excitement of being single again for the beau you’re about to dump

…and more! Our Signature Scents last forever (as long as you remember to screw the lid shut).

Unlike the storage woes of our namesake Greek goddess, Pandora’s Jars hold no evils – just simplified joy. They come in two sizes: Tiny (for the valentine who carries her jars with her in a tote) and Oversize (because this is America). They are fully recyclable, like all jars.

For the woman who needs more than a charm bracelet to express herself, go a little further with your love.

Get your set of Pandora’s Jars today!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

She Ready


Imagine this for a moment:

It’s Friday. You just got paid and you’ve splurged on a brand new pair of leggings. You’re at a dinner party with all your friends and your new boyfriend (who can’t quite seem to commit but he’ll get there, right? RIGHT?) is here too. But tonight’s all about catching up with the girls. God they’re really all moving on with their lives, you think as you smile and sip rosé.

You say hi to your one friend who brought her newborn. “Here, hold her!” she says. “Oh no, that’s okay,” you laugh, terrified you’ll drop her sweet, bald daughter. “Here, just for a second, so I can adjust this goddamn bra. Look, she loves you already!” she says, thrusting the baby into your arms. You stare at the baby. She blinks back at you. And suddenly, something inside you settles. This could be you. You could be a Mom. Look how good I look holding a baby, you think. You look around for your man, to no avail. I wish someone could take a picture so he could see what a hot mom I’d be.

At JCPenney Portraits, we have just what you need.

Our newest service, She Ready, provides candid-style photos to help you get on with your life. All you have to do is come to any one of our nationwide studios looking your best. We’ll provide you with a baby and photograph you against a variety of backdrops that answer one question: What kind of Hot Mom will you be?

JCPenney Portraits’ newest service, She Ready, provides candid-style photos to help you get on with your life. What kind of Hot Mom will you be?

Maybe you’d like to be seen holding a baby on a picnic blanket in the park, wearing your best sundress; maybe you’d like to be in front of a Christmas tree with the soft glow of twinkle lights; maybe you’re dressed as an astronaut, with a baby in one hand and a sign saying “Anything’s Possible!” in another.

Our finest work lies in the details, with a soft focus on the things that make you you: That ombre manicure, the perfect winged eyeliner, or perhaps, the look in your eyes as you contemplate the future: Anticipation? Hope? Terror? Whatever it is, we’ll capture it. You tell us what kind of mom you want your significant other to see you as and we’ll handle the rest.

(We’ll even make sure your photos are perfectly sized for posting on social media, whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, or your recently renewed Tinder profile.)

At JCPenney Portraits, we’re here for life’s big moments. Let the world see how good you look holding a baby. And get one step closer to your own.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product or service featured on this site.




Frigid winds. Vortexes. Rashy skin. Cuffing season’s in full swing, y’all.

But this year’s different. It’s a new year featuring a brand new you.

2019’s the year you’re gonna make it, right? You’ll conquer the world just by being yourself. You’re focusing on self-care, self-actualization, self-optimization. You’ve looked up what “glow up” means and you’re about to do it.

Sure, we’re 5 weeks into the year so you’ve probably had a few slip-ups. Everyone does. That’s what the whole failure leading to success thing means.

And it doesn’t help that life’s hard. Like, the other day when your coworker mentioned Valentine’s Day’s coming up and you stuffed your thoughts down with office birthday cake. And how’re you supposed to get anything done when it’s 6 degrees outside? Sometimes, quietly, under the covers, you think, maybe the stress of being your best and being alone are just too much.

Well, friend. Let me tell you about DevilDateTM.

DevilDate is the dating app that lets you be your worst. That’s right, stop trying so hard. Just be who you are, it’s easy now!

“Don’t be done with dating. Be undone. Because true love lets you be your worst.”

Step 1

Download DevilDate from your phone’s App store for $16.66.

Step 2

Create your profile. Start by uploading a photo of yourself when you wake up in the morning. No filters, please.

Step 3

Fill out your bio. Everyone’s bio is split into two parts:

“Dids”: Let your worst moments shine.

“I used to root for Wile.E.Coyote.” “Once, I replaced my ‘bff’s’ shampoo with Nair.” “Ugh I love telling people bad news, all that attention.” “I cheated on my ex for 2 years – she still doesn’t know.” “I don’t let people off the subway before I get on.”

“Feels”: What are you passionate about?

“If I’m mad, I’m never going to speak to you and you’ll just have to guess why I’m mad.” “I really enjoy playing Devil’s Advocate.” “Irregardless is a real word.” “I’m totally not a flirt. I’m just super friendly and people are attracted to me.” “On Mondays, I text my friends ‘Happy Monday.’”

And so forth.

Step 4

Get matched! DevilDate runs on a points system. The worse your Dids and Feels, the more points you’re rewarded. People are matched with similar scorers, to ensure you’re never given more than you can handle.

Step 5

Keep doing you! Flaunt your flaws! One day, when your bae’s best friend tells him, “Man, your woman’s the devil,” he’ll look over at you and smile fondly. “Yes. Yes she is.”

Don’t be done with dating.

Be undone. Because true love lets you be your worst.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.


Canned Delights: A Testimonial


Life is dizzying when you’re a powerful female politician in today’s USA. The road to (still) trying to break the glass ceiling includes ducking malicious gossip, routinely justifying my qualifications, writing scornful letters to lesser male politicians, protecting the nation’s kids from assault weapons, and reclaiming my time over and over again.

People always ask me, “How do you do it all?”

I don’t do it all. I do one thing.

I maintain my monthly subscription to Canned Delights.

On the 1st of every month, I receive a package of Lady Cans in the mail. It comes with a little note reminding me that after I make love, it’s time to Make A Plan. (A nice antidote to the other monthly visitor I receive.)

My current set of Lady Cans includes: A needle & thread to fix blouses ripped in passionate moments, a Lisa Simpson doll (to remember why I got into politics), an inspirational book hand-picked from Oprah’s Book Club, a notepad, and a prepaid Seamless card. I’ve learned that carbs are what truly fuel us women to run the world.

Since I started my subscription, Canned Delights have revolutionized my bedroom life. They’ve turned my recent avoidance of men into a sense of excitement. Every lay is permeated with new possibilities.

“You look like you’re on top of the world!” one lover recently said, post-romp.

That’s because I know what’s waiting for me under my bed. Politics are tiresome, but my Canned Delights keep me going.

Order now!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

Canned Delights


2018 and it’s (still) cuffing season, y’all! The temperature’s dipping, winds are howling, hot chocolate’s boiling, and there’s a naked, deeply satisfied person snuggling up next to you in bed.

Now what?

Tired but wide-awake? Can’t bear yet another conversation about Black Mirror? Struggling between craving romance and the ability to do whatever the f*@# you want? Reminiscing those fries you smelled earlier?

Never fear, Canned Delights are here.

Canned Delights: Everything you crave post-nookie in a can. It’s cold. Don’t get out from under those covers. Just reach underneath your bed and pull out your Canned Delights™.

Packaged in sets of threes, Canned Delightsoffer something for everyone:

Our Lady Cans include earplugs, king-size candy bars, prepaid Seamless gift cards, a book from Oprah’s Book Club, inspirational journals, condoms for Round #2, and more. Mix and match to create a set that fits your needs!

Our Man Cans are more minimalistic, with each can featuring a short note: “You just got the one thing you’ve been craving more than anything. Get some sleep, bruh.”

Select packages include Surprise Cans with peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (with the crusts cut off), a steak, or an iPad playing whatever big game is on.

Single? Don’t worry, Canned Delightsaren’t exclusively for the sex-havers of the world. There’s something for you, too, after you watch that Netflix documentary on orca whales!

Choose from a fun variety of stickers, body pillows, and mini globes (because you really do have the whole world at your fingertips).

True romance is loving yourself. Who needs candlelight when you’ve got Canned Delights?

Order now!

(Also coming soon to vending machines in college dorms near you)

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.