Humpday Haiku #23

You’re telling me once all this is over…

I just put on a
bra, walk into a bar, and
eat communal nuts?

The Longest Running Show

December 31, 2020 | The Milky Way

Dear Writers of Earth, Season 2020,

Phew! We made it. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for what has been, our viewers say, the most titillating season of Earth.

We saw a ratings bonanza this year, with viewership topping previously popular seasons like 2008, 1912, and even 1776! We promised the universe this season would be on fire and we started by setting our little world on it.

I’m proud of you bros.

“Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for what has been, our viewers say, the most titillating season of Earth.”

The best kind of story takes us on a journey to places we never imagined. It brings us far from where we started and closer than ever to who we are. It makes us question our faith.

And, let me tell you, I questioned mine. I questioned my love for the biz that January morning when Dave suggested the Megxit plotline and everyone said, “Oooh yes, we love the royals.” I questioned my leadership abilities when I roared, “Do better! We’re a celestial body for crying out loud.” I questioned my tendency to underestimate you all when you pitched an out-of-control pandemic.

So simple. So cruelly beautiful. And right on time – our last plague ended exactly 100 years ago. What better way to upend Earth, leaving its future hanging in the balance?

But you didn’t stop there. You collaborated with each other to bring your worst instincts to life. Instead of choosing between Jackson’s murder hornets and Cal’s global recession, you wrote in both. The movement for racial justice was penciled in for future seasons but Chad said, “Let’s push the humans to their limits.” Then Harry jumped in and said, “Let’s also take away their heroes, for good measure.”

And we had a lot of fun with our dictators, didn’t we? From faking their cognitive skills and their abilities to accomplish, well, anything, to faking their deaths – it’s been quite a ride.

Last, but not least, Taco Bell cancelling the Quesarito was a fun twist. Kudos, Ben!

“A nonsensical human television show called Seinfeld once deemed itself ‘the longest running show’ after nine seasons on air. Earth is about to embark on its 2021st season.”

In times of darkness, what keeps me going is this: A nonsensical human television show called Seinfeld once deemed itself ‘the longest running show’ after nine seasons on air. It was a show about nothing.

Earth is about to embark on its 2021st season and we are a show about everything: comradery, petty grievances, twisted priorities, disillusionment, and the search for a good joke.

Who knows what 2021 will bring? Word around the galaxy is we’ll probably have to hire some female writers. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we gave 2020 everything we could. We may not have the style of Saturn or the heft of Jupiter, but damnit, we know narrative.

Cheers,

Mark
Galactic Correspondent // Showrunner of Earth