Humpday Haiku #11

Treasures found while deep-cleaning

An unused coupon
from Victoria’s Secret:
One Free Lace Panty.

Humpday Haiku #10

Life, generally.

Consistent proof that
you had it all figured out
at the age of 5.

Pandora’s Jars


Friendly PSA: Valentine’s Day is 4 days away. Have you bought your lover a heart-shaped box of mediocre chocolate yet? How about red boxers, or a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant she’ll only wear when you’re around? If you feel like none of these capture the way you feel about your dearest, we’ve got you covered.

At Pandora Jewelry, we’re introducing a brand new (sustainable!) gift option: Pandora’s JarsTM.

Here’s the thing: everyone loves a good set of jars. They’re sturdy, look great on countertops, and make you appear to care about Mother Earth. Our jars do all that and more: they let your boo thang express herself.

All she has to do is open the jar and breathe in.

Does the Juliet of your life enjoy walking outside after a rainy day? Gift her our Rain Jar, which preserves the smell of rain. Is your Romeo unsure of his life’s purpose? Our Ennui Jar will bring back restless memories when he inevitably goes back to grad school. Each of our Signature Scented jars gives your special flame a sense of self they’ll hold onto forever:

  • “Secret”: the victory of wearing an outfit two days in a row without anyone noticing
  • “Champ”: the feeling of winning an argument for the lover who rarely wins one
  • “Rocky Skies:” for the avid traveler, the memory of not spilling a drink during a turbulent flight
  • “Liberation”: the excitement of being single again for the beau you’re about to dump

…and more! Our Signature Scents last forever (as long as you remember to screw the lid shut).

Unlike the storage woes of our namesake Greek goddess, Pandora’s Jars hold no evils – just simplified joy. They come in two sizes: Tiny (for the valentine who carries her jars with her in a tote) and Oversize (because this is America). They are fully recyclable, like all jars.

For the woman who needs more than a charm bracelet to express herself, go a little further with your love.

Get your set of Pandora’s Jars today!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

Humpday Haiku #9

Considering the upside to having kids

Long after I’m dead
and my journals are burned, my
genes will still be here.

Casting Call: Awkward Spice

January 27, 2020 | New York, NY

How do you, gentle dreamer, describe yourself on a typical day? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? …Ginger? Do you feel as though perhaps none of these captures the nuances of your femininity? Are you craving a pop star who lacks social graces but is also kind of endearing?

Here at Virgin Records, we’re getting the ol’ gang back together again (again) – a 2020 Spice Girls reunion tour with a brand new member: Awkward Spice.

It’s been a trying time here in the U.K. Brexit’s got us looking like a scorned woman staggering drunkenly out of a party she swore she was leaving hours ago (“you ungrateful bastards”). Our most beloved royal wants nothing to do with us and is moving to Canada. None of this makes us feel like we really really really wanna zig-a-zig…ah, bollocks. We’d just love if our most popular girl band reflected the way we feel: quite awkward.

That’s where you come in.

Do you have a keen ability to sense a party ending as soon as you walk in? Are you the person in a photo who never knows what to do with her hands?

Do you have a keen ability to sense a party ending as soon as you walk in? Are you the person in a photo who never knows what to do with her hands? Have you pretended to be deeply engrossed in an 8-month old magazine article on Best Faded Jeans For Your Butt in order to avoid small talk with your hairdresser?

We want you.

No, you won’t need to rock a union jack dress or leopard prints. We’re looking for someone who feels most like herself in a sweater and corduroy pants. (Bonus points if you didn’t make it into your college’s acapella group.) We hope you feel strongly about girl power, friendship, and body confidence. But also feel free to bring your opinions on eye contact during a handshake and holding in a sneeze to avoid disrupting a tense conversation. Of course, there’ll be a magazine cover or two. We can’t wait to see how you spice it up with an inopportune eye twitch.

Perks? You’ll be in the most glamorous girl group of all time. (Just for a few months – this is a reunion tour, after all.) Even better, you’ll have the opportunity to shape an entire generation of young women who don’t see themselves in today’s charismatic stars.

Close your eyes and think back to your most cringeworthy memories. Now, open them. An Awkward Moment has arrived.

Will you embrace it?

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes only posts casting notices it deems relevant to its readers.

Humpday Haiku #8

Chasing the dream at 100 miles per hour

Almost there. So close.
I can smell it. Wait, do I
have the right address?!

Humpday Haiku #7

Global warming explained in Year 3001

Annoyed by humans
Earth Gone Girled itself
Finally, some peace.