December 21, 2020 | New York, NY

We see him when we’re sleeping. We search when we’re awake. We know if we’ve been bad or good or just rude, for goodness’ sake…or something like that.

For the one global figure whose job description goes something like “Bring joy to all people,” Santa Clauses around the world are under a lot of pressure this year.

Here’s how they’re handling it:

Fairytale Santa Claus, aka the man you put out milk and cookies for every Christmas Eve in exchange for materialistic delights, is undergoing an existential crisis. As reported by someone from his inner circle, the OG Santa has been saying things like, “Who is Santa really? I’m a concept. I am simply a magical concept.”

Over the phone, Mrs. Claus divulged a recent argument in which her husband hurled spiteful insults at her. Upon discussing the “Hoe, hoe, hoe” incident at a later therapy session, he admitted, “They took away my ability to travel, to gather all my elves in our workshop to make toys, even my ability to deliver toys! They have same-day shipping on Amazon now. On top of that, my daily glass of milk has been replaced by a turmeric latte.”

“Well, the turmeric helps your inflammation,” Mrs. Claus said. (Santa is 1,750 years old and deemed high-risk amidst the ongoing pandemic.)

“I guess they didn’t take everything from me this year,” Santa said, “I have you.”

And so, all is as well as can be in the North Pole.  

The OG Santa is undergoing an existential crisis and saying things like, “Who is Santa really? I’m a concept. I am simply a magical concept.”

Mall Santa Claus was last seen participating in Zoom calls with fellow Mall Santas across the country. Topics include finding aesthetically pleasing igloos from which to greet children at a distance and debating which cream blush best accentuates their rosy cheeks behind plexiglass screens.

“It’s beautiful, just beautiful,” gushed one Philadelphia Mall Santa, “There’s nothing I love more than seeing all these Santas on my computer. I love these jolly men.”

Office Party Santa Claus has not been seen since late 2019. People don’t miss him.

Holiday Movie Santa Claus is working extra hard this season. From heavily circulating cable reruns & streaming services to winking exaggeratedly when romantic leads unwittingly find their way to each other, Holiday Movie Santa is doing his best to make sure viewers have enough of their favorite gift-giver.

“You know, the real Santa Claus shows up once a year. But I show up again and again with the same line in the same outfit for a new laugh. I’m the one people can count on,” he wrote in an email, “I think they finally realize that.”

From heavily circulating cable reruns & streaming services to winking exaggeratedly when romantic leads find their way to each other, Holiday Movie Santa is doing his best to make sure viewers have enough of their favorite gift-giver.

Coca-Cola Santa is patiently waiting for 2021. “I believe next year will be a turning point for America, one in which we start believing in wholesome, kind old men again,” he said in a statement via his ad agency’s creative director.

In unrelated news, he’s been mixing his soft drinks with quite a bit of whiskey.

And so, we have it: this year’s State of the Santas.

Merry merry!