Frigid winds. Vortexes. Rashy skin. Cuffing season’s in full swing, y’all.

But this year’s different. It’s a new year featuring a brand new you.

2019’s the year you’re gonna make it, right? You’ll conquer the world just by being yourself. You’re focusing on self-care, self-actualization, self-optimization. You’ve looked up what “glow up” means and you’re about to do it.

Sure, we’re 5 weeks into the year so you’ve probably had a few slip-ups. Everyone does. That’s what the whole failure leading to success thing means.

And it doesn’t help that life’s hard. Like, the other day when your coworker mentioned Valentine’s Day’s coming up and you stuffed your thoughts down with office birthday cake. And how’re you supposed to get anything done when it’s 6 degrees outside? Sometimes, quietly, under the covers, you think, maybe the stress of being your best and being alone are just too much.

Well, friend. Let me tell you about DevilDateTM.

DevilDate is the dating app that lets you be your worst. That’s right, stop trying so hard. Just be who you are, it’s easy now!

“Don’t be done with dating. Be undone. Because true love lets you be your worst.”

Step 1

Download DevilDate from your phone’s App store for $16.66.

Step 2

Create your profile. Start by uploading a photo of yourself when you wake up in the morning. No filters, please.

Step 3

Fill out your bio. Everyone’s bio is split into two parts:

“Dids”: Let your worst moments shine.

“I used to root for Wile.E.Coyote.” “Once, I replaced my ‘bff’s’ shampoo with Nair.” “Ugh I love telling people bad news, all that attention.” “I cheated on my ex for 2 years – she still doesn’t know.” “I don’t let people off the subway before I get on.”

“Feels”: What are you passionate about?

“If I’m mad, I’m never going to speak to you and you’ll just have to guess why I’m mad.” “I really enjoy playing Devil’s Advocate.” “Irregardless is a real word.” “I’m totally not a flirt. I’m just super friendly and people are attracted to me.” “On Mondays, I text my friends ‘Happy Monday.’”

And so forth.

Step 4

Get matched! DevilDate runs on a points system. The worse your Dids and Feels, the more points you’re rewarded. People are matched with similar scorers, to ensure you’re never given more than you can handle.

Step 5

Keep doing you! Flaunt your flaws! One day, when your bae’s best friend tells him, “Man, your woman’s the devil,” he’ll look over at you and smile fondly. “Yes. Yes she is.”

Don’t be done with dating.

Be undone. Because true love lets you be your worst.

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.


Canned Delights: A Testimonial


Life is dizzying when you’re a powerful female politician in today’s USA. The road to (still) trying to break the glass ceiling includes ducking malicious gossip, routinely justifying my qualifications, writing scornful letters to lesser male politicians, protecting the nation’s kids from assault weapons, and reclaiming my time over and over again.

People always ask me, “How do you do it all?”

I don’t do it all. I do one thing.

I maintain my monthly subscription to Canned Delights.

On the 1st of every month, I receive a package of Lady Cans in the mail. It comes with a little note reminding me that after I make love, it’s time to Make A Plan. (A nice antidote to the other monthly visitor I receive.)

My current set of Lady Cans includes: A needle & thread to fix blouses ripped in passionate moments, a Lisa Simpson doll (to remember why I got into politics), an inspirational book hand-picked from Oprah’s Book Club, a notepad, and a prepaid Seamless card. I’ve learned that carbs are what truly fuel us women to run the world.

Since I started my subscription, Canned Delights have revolutionized my bedroom life. They’ve turned my recent avoidance of men into a sense of excitement. Every lay is permeated with new possibilities.

“You look like you’re on top of the world!” one lover recently said, post-romp.

That’s because I know what’s waiting for me under my bed. Politics are tiresome, but my Canned Delights keep me going.

Order now!

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.

Canned Delights


2018 and it’s (still) cuffing season, y’all! The temperature’s dipping, winds are howling, hot chocolate’s boiling, and there’s a naked, deeply satisfied person snuggling up next to you in bed.

Now what?

Tired but wide-awake? Can’t bear yet another conversation about Black Mirror? Struggling between craving romance and the ability to do whatever the f*@# you want? Reminiscing those fries you smelled earlier?

Never fear, Canned Delights are here.

Canned Delights: Everything you crave post-nookie in a can. It’s cold. Don’t get out from under those covers. Just reach underneath your bed and pull out your Canned Delights™.

Packaged in sets of threes, Canned Delightsoffer something for everyone:

Our Lady Cans include earplugs, king-size candy bars, prepaid Seamless gift cards, a book from Oprah’s Book Club, inspirational journals, condoms for Round #2, and more. Mix and match to create a set that fits your needs!

Our Man Cans are more minimalistic, with each can featuring a short note: “You just got the one thing you’ve been craving more than anything. Get some sleep, bruh.”

Select packages include Surprise Cans with peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (with the crusts cut off), a steak, or an iPad playing whatever big game is on.

Single? Don’t worry, Canned Delightsaren’t exclusively for the sex-havers of the world. There’s something for you, too, after you watch that Netflix documentary on orca whales!

Choose from a fun variety of stickers, body pillows, and mini globes (because you really do have the whole world at your fingertips).

True romance is loving yourself. Who needs candlelight when you’ve got Canned Delights?

Order now!

(Also coming soon to vending machines in college dorms near you)

Disclaimer: These United Scrapes receives compensation every time a reader buys an imagined, yet necessary, product featured on this site.