February 11, 2018 | New York, NY

When my stylish, doting mother taught me how to get dressed to go out, I wish, after hiding my teenage acne with foundation, she’d taught me how to hide my neuroses. A much handier skill for getting anywhere, it seems, in life. While flawless skin made me feel like I could effortlessly slide onto a Seventeen magazine cover, it didn’t keep me from hiding at parties wishing I was a little bit cooler.

Coolness, over the years, has become a hot commodity.

Today, Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg – America’s top lifestyle gurus – have an announcement. The BFFs and hosts of VH1’s “Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party” have embarked on a new collaboration: The Neurosis Suitcase^TM.

In a statement released online, the duo said: “The Neurosis Suitcase helps women carry their emotional baggage.”

Martha and Snoop divulged more details this morning over a brief FaceTime conversation.

“Making daily life easy keeps getting harder,” Martha said, “But we’re up to the challenge. After all, I taught the whole country how to make canapés and Snoop taught everyone how to Drop It Like It’s Hot.”

“We’re psyched to help women look more put together,” Snoop said, visibly psyched.

As it turns out, women have excessive emotional baggage. We distrust authority, fret about our appearance, and are often pitted against other women. We judge and get judged for skipping the gym or missing an eyebrow wax. We read women’s magazines searching for neatly bulleted ways to improve ourselves. We are survivors of sexual assault and exes who were serial cheaters. Sometimes, we really hate men. Other times, we measure our lives by good hair days.

When my stylish, doting mother taught me how to get dressed to go out, I wish, after hiding my teenage acne with foundation, she’d taught me how to hide my neuroses. A much handier skill for getting anywhere, it seems, in life.

“It’s crazy that we’ve been carrying these things around for so long and no one’s come up with a way to help us ease the load,” said Martha, “This is my fun little way to empower women. Bags say so much about who we are. But they can also say so much about who we’re not. Stylishly, of course. We’re not animals.”

The duo has designed the Neurosis Suitcase in collaboration with Rimowa^®. Each Neurosis Suitcase features two key components: a notebook and a Book of Notes. While the notebook is for writing down your neuroses (and thus releasing them from your soul), the pocket-sized Book of Notes contains affirmations, such as “I am a phoenix who has risen from the ashes,” “I am a Good Human,” and “My brows are perfect, as am I.”

Suitcases also include ample Kleenex tissues, a spare set of pantyhose (“Ripped stockings should never bring a lady down,” said Martha), a football jersey for when you really must be the ‘Cool Chick,’ and a blunt (“Every lady who wants to keep it together needs a little bit of weed,” said Snoop). For days when your baggage gets too heavy to carry, there is a small set of detachable wheels.

“Each Neurosis Suitcase is a classic Rimowa bag, with a hard aluminum exterior. But we’ve topped them with little pink bows. Prettiness is a must!” Martha said, as Snoop nodded in agreement.

The essence of the Neurosis Suitcase is that it goes with everything, and so, you can take it everywhere. The next time you find yourself at a fashionable event – say, a benefit gala or a date with NYC’s most eligible bachelor – you can simply say, “I’m here. I’m my Best Self. Everything else is in this bag, which I’ll be checking with my coat, please.”

“The Neurosis Suitcase is for all those women who are go-getters, who need a fashionable way to cage their inner demons so they can keep blazing forward.”

“You know, our fears never really leave us but it’s nice to neatly tuck them away,” Martha said, “This bag is for all those women who are go-getters, who need a fashionable way to cage their inner demons so they can keep blazing forward.”

“You said ‘blazing,’” Snoop teased Martha, “I taught you that word.”

“Yes, you did,” Martha smiled.

The Neurosis Suitcase is expected to hit high-end department stores this spring. Each bag will retail at about $1,500. While an early waitlist is lined with names of Hollywood actresses, there are installment payment options for regular women. Saving yourself, of course, takes some saving up.

“Women can now announce to the world, ‘Here’s the Real Me, front and center!’ It’s never too late to make our lives more elegant. 2018’s just getting started,” Martha said, at the end of our call.

Later today, a Neurosis Suitcase prototype was delivered to my doorstep – the big moment my teenage self had been waiting for. I put all my journals from the past few decades into it, waiting to feel liberated…But now, the bag won’t close.

I need a suitcase to hold my Neurosis Suitcase.

Also, my hair still looks terrible.